Joyous_Cow's Xanga

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 07:27:25 GMT

In one sense, when it really comes down to it, I desperately want to love God with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my mind, and with all my strength.

And in another sense, instead of loving him first and most, I'd much rather love him second and mostly.

I finally decided what to put on this "who are you?" postcard I'm supposed to wax eloquent on for a community art project:
"i live in tension."

Monday, November 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 23:39:15 GMT

I have a cracked rib. It's the result of a football tackle that involved myself and one Erik Wolfe moving at very high, very opposite velocities, with the main force of the impact delivered by his left shoulder and absorbed by my second rib on the right side. Erik's explanation ("I am a house, man") doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever and leads me to believe he has some unassuaged guilt about the whole episode.

Also, Psalm 127 describes how vain it is for us to "eat the bread of sorrows." I took this to heart recently and decided that for me, any and all internet-based discussions about the existence of God, the veracity of the Bible, and the theology or practice of the Christian faith are bread of sorrows to me, and I will no longer be reading or taking part in them. They cause me to weep and tear my hair out. I seriously do not want to talk about it. On the internets. Maybe in real life.

On a related note, you will all probably have better lives if you watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtwDTXlRY8M . That is all.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 18:08:13 GMT

I've been watching and waiting for weeks and weeks now, and a minute ago I finally bore witness to the inbox size counter at www.gmail.com ticking over from 3999 to 4000MB. Gmail officially has 4GB of storage space per user - four times as much as when they started way back in 2004.
I don't know what any of this means - create your own meanings.

What I learned from a dog...

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 04:34:47 GMT

   I am repeatedly surprised at the places I end up in these days: Philadelphia, New York, Boston, Nashville, Montreal, and, most recently, Boone, North Carolina. These cities are all as utterly foreign to me as my hometown is to the average American, and I'm finding that each place I've been to has contained a unique lesson, or attitude, or mindset that I may absorb while there.
   Tonight, we had dinner with some of Josh's extended family. Shrimp boil and barbecued ribs. It was a feast. It was heavenly. I had to lie down. Also there was one of the neighbours and her dog Elsa - a very shy and skittish German shepherd that she'd taken in as a stray a few years before. After the meal was over, I called her over to me and let her sniff my hand before I started petting her. She sat down next to me and whenever I stopped, she'd paw at me until I gave her some attention again. Her owner, Vicky, was surprised and said that Elsa doesn't let anybody pet her unless Vicky's specifically told her they're an "ok person." And she said that Elsa only likes people with good hearts, and gentle hearts, and I must have one.
   I was a little struck by this because if that is any kind of indicator, I've actually always been good at getting normally shy animals (and even people, I guess) to trust me. But at the same time, I don't think that the last two years or so at Penn have been making me more into a person with a good and gentle heart. I feel like I've gotten harder and sharper, less trusting and less trustworthy, less concerned with being gentle and more concerned with experiencing intensity. So as I sat there scratching Elsa behind the ears, I was very deeply touched by her innocent trust and felt a little unworthy.
   It only occurs to me now that I really truly want to be someone with a good and gentle heart. I don't want to be the logical extension of many of the changes that are happening in me. So this means that something needs to change, a shift needs to take place in my heart, and this means I need to talk to God while I'm here in Boone, North Carolina.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 14:59:09 GMT

i have come to believe that the following statements are true
    (but i am open to discussion)

    given too much credence, or insufficient critique, nearly every belief may become an enslavement
    the myth of redemptive violence may be our most serious fault
    human beings are ceaselessly self-deceiving
    pure altruism is fantasy
    there is a God
    true love is a reality
    the sincere pursuit of truth is never unrewarded
    the most fundamental and noble of all the virtues is empathy

violence, by definition, is un-creative. therefore the opposite of war is not pacifism, but creativity

choice is the only mechanism for creating meaning

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 17:59:13 GMT

I was doing this survey today and one of the questions asked me to provide two arguments a person might use to make the case that countries are sometimes morally justified in going to war.

I wrote down one common argument that I vehemently disagree with, and then - try as I might - could not think of another one that I would actually be willing to see written by my own handwriting. I almost wrote "I must not tell lies" instead.

War troubles me. I don't feel comfortable with the position that it is right to prevent a greater harm by doing a lesser one. If I kill a man to prevent him from killing someone else, it doesn't mean that I am against people being killed, it just means that I pick and choose who I'd rather live or die.

Which is fair, I think, because there are victims and there are perpetrators, and you and I are human beings and that is how we think. But I can't decide if that is wrong of us or not. Do some people in fact deserve to be shot more or less than others because of choices they've made? That man that I killed in the last paragraph - what if I had experienced life exactly as he had - would I have followed the same path myself? Is it only God's grace that makes me less evil than him? If so, do I then have any right to declare him guilty and take his life?

But then, God says "whoever sheds man's blood - by man his blood will be shed."

Is that a command? Or is it a prophecy of how the world would go for the rest of history? God put divine protection upon the first murderer in history so he would not be killed himself by other men.

The only condoned killings that I have seen in the Bible (and I may very well be wrong. I can think of some iffy examples) is the killing of specific people by God's direct command. And I am not about to get Boondock Saints on anyone.

I'm actually writing these thoughts out as they come to me - any feedback would be appreciated. Like I said. War troubles me.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 06:30:30 GMT

So my last entry was a little cynical, and I apologize for that. I intended to write a follow-up post called "Things Jesus Did Say" but... It's kinda hard to pick from the list, they're all pretty good.

That said - each of you please, please, please, please go read the Sermon on the Mount starting in Matthew 5. Do it right now. What's that? You'll do it later? You don't have time? Then why are you sitting here reading my blog? Anything I have to say is far less useful for you than the words of Jesus of Nazareth. I even gave you a freakin' link.

A suggestion: As you read, make note of the parts that really don't make sense to you. Those are probably the parts you need to listen to most. I, for one, have serious trouble with the part about not resisting an evil person. I used to have deep issues with "give to the one who asks you" but it was recently explained to me.

Things Jesus did not say...

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 02:50:52 GMT

Blessed are the poor, for they shall be made rich

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall never be taken advantage of

Blessed are the pure in heart - they have fulfilled their final purpose

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be loved by all

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 15:35:20 GMT

Big step up here at Esperanza - now they have me covering for the regular medical assistant during lunch, instead of going to lunch with her and having someone more experienced cover. This means I have achieved the status of "individual" rather than "extra appendages for Gloria."

Linshuang asked me yesterday, while visiting us in North Philly, what the most memorable thing about my Gateway experience has been. I wasn't sure how to answer. There's hasn't been any earth-shattering event, but there have been quite a few sobering/through provoking discussions and bible studies - mostly about how I personally and the church at large engage in favoritism, racism, exclusion, and ethnocentricity.

Issues of poverty, homelessness, etc... aren't very new to me. I've been very intentional about engaging with homelessness on the individual level already. I think the most valuable thing I can learn here is how and why this clinic does what it does. Also, maybe how to make friends with people on the block we're living on. It's easy to stay in the house all the time.

Just some thoughts - more for my benefit than the world's at large. (or, "world at large's?" err...)

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 13:41:29 GMT

A little four-year old is in this morning for a checkup and I'm listening in as the doctor does some assessments.

Dr. Laur: "Michael, I want you to start counting. Contar, Michael."

Michael: "Uno, Dos, Tres... Four... ... Eleven."

Dr. Laur: "Okay, we're going to need to work on our colors and our counting."